I'm changing enough for the both of us, Barack.

Song of the Day: "Walk of Life" - Billie Piper

I am a changed person. And LOVING it.

I wasn't really planning on writing a blog tonight, but I was meandering through my old posts and was particularly entertained by the survey I did a few months ago. The question that caught my eye was "Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?" To which, at that point, the answer was no. 

Now, however, I kiss a girl every night. And it's...normal. Sure, it's at rehearsal. Sure, it's for a show. But still. It's not just the kissing.

I guess it all hit me about a week ago at rehearsal when Rob said, "I see a bunch of twenty year old girls pretending to be comfortable with their bodies. I need to see twenty year old girls comfortable with their bodies." And so I set about doing just that. 

Now, I stand on the front of that stage, and I am a wholly different person. I can touch any part of my body I so choose and not feel at all inhibited. I can kiss other girls, have boys grab my boobs, have girls grab my boobs, be spanked, humped, thrust at, sweat on and moaned to, and it doesn't even phase me anymore. All of my insecurities are completely gone. And despite being an actress and always subconsciously being a character on a stage, in those moments, I am completely at ease. It is so refreshing to not have to worry about what parts of my body might embarrass me or look awkward. I hope that even after this show, I will always be able to apply that sense of comfort to my performances.

On a similar note, I went to a Pimps and Ho's party last night and had a marvelous time. I wore - *gasp* - leggings as pants, and a cheap pink corset with high heels and outrageous hair and makeup. Despite the moment of panic walking up the driveway to the party with a few other girls also whored up to the max and seeing a crowd of guys in jeans and t-shirts, the moment I saw all of those delightful theatre people, I felt completely at home. Granted, everyone was already pretty trashed, but I had no problem walking in confident and proud, despite my ridiculous, revealing outfit. 

I danced, I sang, I drank, I laughed, I kissed, I gossiped, I strutted, and I was utterly inspired by every moment. 

At the party, I had a drunken heart-to-heart with a theatre department "legend", and he really inspired me. He told me about what an honor it is to be in one of Rob's shows, because you will never learn more than when you work with him. Despite his passion, vision, and utter genius, Rob has given me a chance to dispel whatever stereotypical roles might come with a plus-size alto college theatre student. He has given me a chance to show him what I can do and what I can learn from him. Unfortunately, it made me realize that I'm not thoroughly satisfied with the performance I am giving Rob; a man who gave me such a brilliant opportunity deserves a brilliant performance. So it is now my goal to really step up to the  plate and prove to Rob that I deserve to be where I am within the department right now.

Because not only did Rob have faith enough in me to allow me into the BFA program with no experience, and not only did he cast me in a mainstage show, he provided me with a new, wonderful, supportive family, the courage to love myself and my body, and the faith I needed to keep going and really follow through with my dreams. 

And for that, I am forever grateful. 

Song of the Day: "Wilkommen" - Cabaret

Happiness is horribly underrated. 

Every day that passes further defines what it means for me to be happy. I am slowly beginning to realize that over the past few years, I have been content or even at times joyful, but happiness was never a steady state of mind. 

And yet here I am, four (five?) weeks into my second year of college, and I am enjoying almost every minute of my days. With astronomy labs and technical theatre aside, I enjoy my classes and not only look forward to attending them, but also to learning from them. Who knew after 8 years of theatre that you could actually *learn* how to act? The technique fascinates me, and I feel myself growing every day in both my acting and movement classes. 

And don't even get me started on rehearsals. Cabaret rehearsals are the best four hours of my day. I struggle to look forward to the weekends, because we don't rehearse on Saturdays. I have never had more faith in a show than this production. The amount of talent shared by this cast of eight people is more than the combined talent of the largest shows I have been in. Everything about is professional, and I while I dread the day that it ends, I cannot wait to share it with my friends and family. 

Speaking of family, I have a new one. My new theatre family is nothing short of amazing. I love them all, gay or straight, boy or girl. I have never been so quickly welcomed into a group of people, and I can't imagine what life would be like right now without them. I finally feel like I've found where I belong, and I can't wait to see where the future leads me. 

For now, I can only hope that things get even better from here. I love being happy all the time. I love life, classes, friends, rehearsals, and every opportunity that presents itself. So here's to the hope that happiness will prevail. I realize now just how blessed I am, and I don't know who to thank for it, but in the end, I am more thankful than I ever thought I could be. 

Thank you, whoever you are, wherever you are. 

That sick, masochistic lion...*sigh*

Song of the Day: "All I Ever Wanted" - Jim Brickman

I sort of thought the song of the day choice was appropriate considering in the last 48 hours, I have listened to it approximately 276.5 times. I know, right? What can I say? It makes great background music while reading all four books of the Twilight series. 

Which, might I say, was fabulous.

I know that the series didn't have the same impact on me as Harry Potter, but I will admit that it was exceptionally nice to be wrapped up in a book series for the first time since last summer. When I first heard about the books, I really had no interest. College students don't read Young Adult fiction. Duh. They read important things like The Odyssey and Frankenstein, right? Um, wrong. 

One of the main reasons I was so uninterested in the series was the annoying reputation of the protagonist's love interest, Edward Cullen, a vampire and the closest thing to perfection humanity had ever seen. Particularly in literature, 'perfection' is a dangerous word. For me, it makes a character seem hollow and all-around frustrating. Perfection isn't *real*. If I wanted a book constantly reminding me how imperfect I am, I'd read a book about Mother Teresa. But some stupid YA novel? Not worth my time. 

My sister, however, is an excellent judge of a good book. Considering the fact that I haven't read a YA novel since I was 12 (with the exception of Harry Potter and John Green's novels), I considered myself to be waaaay out of the loop. But she assured me that it was worth a read and that I wouldn't be disappointed. 

At first, it was any other YA book. A distressed, "normal" teenager, whining about their life and how they just can't seem to fit in...until *he* made his entrance. That glorious, beautiful, perfect Edward Cullen. Somehow, I fell under the same spell that hundreds of thousands of girls had fallen victim to. There was no way to not love this vampire. 

Sure, it may have been the looks. Or the fact that he was so forbidden. Or even that he was just achingly perfect. For me, however, it was the way that Stephenie Meyer managed to portray his infinite love and respect for Bella. It was how he delivered his romantic lines with such...perfection. "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." It was the ultimate trust that the protagonist put in him, her ultimate faith in his love. 

And like the thousands of other girls around the world, I began to question whether or not a love like the one Edward had for Bella exists in the real world. Or is it just another fantastical element born from the dream of a Mormon housewife? I can only hope that it's real. That around the world, there are men who love someone enough to hold them close every night and to write them lullabies (*sigh*). I hope that there are people beautiful enough to see the beauty in someone "normal" for a different reason than just being "normal". For the sake of mankind, I hope that a love like the one shared between Bella and Edward is possible.

So their story has supposedly come to a close...yeah right. Although it was the most unfinished "ending" to a series I've ever read (and random...I mean, a half human, half vampire baby that no one saw coming, almost killed Bella throughout her gestation and then was beautiful enough to pull off a bizarre name like Renesmee Carlie Cullen?) I look forward to experiencing the series both through the highly anticipated movies and through Edward's eyes as Stephenie Meyer rewrites the series entirely from his point of view. 

It was a good finish to an even better beginning. But at least Edward didn't die.

For now, I'll just reflect on how mad I am that I was one Barnes and Noble away from meeting Taylor Lautner at the release party....grrr...DAMN YOU GRAND RAPIDS AND YOUR NUMEROUS BARNES AND NOBLES!! *grumblegrumble*

Song of the Day: "Love and Affection" - Joan Armatrading

When Howard asked me to work on summer stock again this year, of course I was eager to say yes. What has arguably been the best summer of my life happened *because* of summer stock, so an opportunity to even attempt to outdo summer 2006 sounded ideal. 

Looking back on the past few weeks, however, it's obvious that though fun, this summer has been nowhere near as life-changing as Summer '06. Sure I got to see Nick and Mike almost every day, a well as a slew of wonderful friends, but everything was just...different. For the first time in a long time, I was outside the ring of Central theatre kids. Sure, I got hugs and smiles, but that was about it. The odd thing? It never felt particularly awkward. It probably should have felt weird, going home at lunch every day instead of out with friends and returning back to the FAC for an afternoon of rehearsals. But to be honest, I was okay with being outside the loop. 

I did, however, miss being onstage. A lot. It would have been fun to be in such a big production, and I'll admit that it was hard to sit in the audience and feel so distant from the show. It wasn't even the show itself - it was most definitely the people. Watching certain people onstage singing their hearts out brought out a painful longing to be onstage with them again. Last summer, the show might have been sort of corny and some people might have been a pain to put up with, but simply being onstage with people like Nate made me feel like not only a better performer, but a better person. I really do regret that aspect of this summer. Hopefully these next few semesters at school I will make some new theatrical friends as well as keeping the old.

Which brings up how amazing next year is going to be. Me, Nick and Nate all in the same building? It should be a hell of a lot of fun. As much as I adore my Snyder girls, it will be wonderful to have a solid core of high school friends, especially ones as good as Nate and Nick.  That being said, it will also be interesting not having Kyrsten around. Every day, I think of more things I love about her and how much I will miss them next year. Maybe I'll have my boys to fill that gap of fabulosity in my life. 

I'm loving the way I spend my time nowadays. Granted, I wouldn't mind spending more time sleeping, but I've been doing a lot of writing and I absolutely adore it. I feel so free when I'm brainstorming, like there's no one to judge me. My characters have become my best friends and I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend my free time. I felt the same way last summer, though. The months before I left for school, I would have given anything for a few more weeks to spend sitting on the sofa and writing. So in order to make a smoother transition from home to MSU, I've been reading. A lot. I'm trying to substitute my time on the computer with time reading mostly Young Adult fiction, trying to get a better grip on my writing skills. 

This will be an interesting last few weeks of the summer. We leave for New York on Monday, and when we get back, I'll be spending my time packing, reading, and saying my final goodbyes for the summer. 

Good times. 

For the record, I love my HSM cast and I am so proud of them all. <3

Song of the Day: 'Start of Something New' - High School Musical

(^pathetic, right?)

And now for a survey or two. Because I felt like it. :) 

1) Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

- Closed. I literally cannot sleep with the doors open. 

2) Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?

- I have my own private collection :)

3) Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?

- Sick.

4) Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

- I sat in the car while Aaron and Kelly stole street signs...and then they gave me one. Does that count?

5) Are you eating anything right now?

- Nope.

6) What's your main goal for this summer?

- Slow down and enjoy every moment. And pass my sumer classes.

7) Do you have a calendar in your room?

- I just threw away my 2007 calendar last week. It was still on April. It has yet to be replaced. 

8) Where are you?

- In the living room on the sofa.

9) What's your plan for the day?

- Well, since it's 1:30 in the morning...sleeping in, and then cleaning out the shed, rearranging the furnace room, and then jumping in the pool. 

10) Are you reading any books right now?

- Eclipse. But I'm fighting with the temptation to read it in one sitting because I want to savor it The next one doesn't come out until August...

11) Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

- I count beats, like a dance. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8....

12) Don't you love how these things always skip questions?

- It's annoying. 

13) Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?

- Is there ever a moment that music isn't playing, even if it's in my head?

14) Do you chew your pens and pencils?

- Absolutely not.

15) What is your "Song of the Week"? 

- Um, see above. Pathetically.

16) Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

- Absolutely. Especially when it's argyle. 

17) Do you still watch cartoons?

- Family guy, every single night.

18) What's your favorite love movie?

- Love Actually. Hands down.

19) What do you drink with dinner?

- Ice water.

20) What do you dip chicken nuggets in?

- I don't think I've had a chicken nugget in years, but the soy-type things they serve in the gallery...they're good with honey.

21) What is your favorite food/cuisine?

- Indian. Yum.

22) What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

- Love Actually, Pride and Prejudice, all Harry Potter, Funny Girl

23) Last person you hugged/kissed?

- Um...Maddie Hopkins today at rehearsal. LOVE her. 

24) Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

- Um, tchya. For like 5 years.

25) Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

- Nope.

26) When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

- Gareth, you tell me.

27) Can you change the oil on a car?

- Absolutely not.

28) Ever received a speeding ticket?

- Never.

29) Run out of gas?

- Not while I was driving.

30) Favorite kind of sandwich?

- Turkey, tomato, avocado. Delish. 

31) Best thing to eat for breakfast?

- Chinese food.

32) What is your usual bedtime?

- 2 or 3 am.

33) Are you lazy?

- It's the summer. So shoot me. 

34) When you were a kid, did you dress up for Halloween?

- I *still* dress up for Halloween. It's one of my favorite holidays.

35) Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

- The family gets Rachel Ray. 

36) Which are better: Legos or Lincoln logs?

- Legos make better Barbie houses. 

37) Are you stubborn?

- I can be.

38) Who is better: Leno or Letterman?

- Conan and Craig Ferguson. 

39) Ever watch soap operas?

- Not when I can help it.

40) Afraid of heights?

- Terrified.

41) ....

42) Dance in the shower?

- Especially during shower parties.

43) Dance in the car?

- Guilty.

44) Ever used a gun?

- Never.

45) Do you think musicals are cheesy?

- Depends on the musical. 

46) Is Christmas stressful?

- Is Santa the Devil?

47) Ever eat a pierogi?

- We're a very polish family one one side. Plus my grandpa and step-grandma would always have a huge Christmas Eve party with polish food and traditions, and pierogis were always the main dish. And then there were food fights. 

48) Favorite type of fruit pie? 

- I love the Gallery's raspberry peach pie. 

49) Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

- A vet, but I hated the idea of giving animals shots and putting them down. And then a dog breeder, but then I sort of became a cat person. 

50) Do you believe in ghosts?

- Yes.

51) Ever have a deju-vu feeling?

- I've had deja-vus of deja-vus. 

52) Do you take a vitamin daily?

- Nope.

53) Wear slippers? 

- I pretend. But they make my feet sweat. 

54) Wear a bath robe?

- Often in the dorms, never at home.

55) What do you wear to bed?

- A tank top and pj shorts.

56) Wal-Mart, Target, or K-Mart?

- Is this a trick question? Target, hands down.

57) Nike or Adidas?

- Rocket dogs :) 

58) Cheetos or Fritos?

- Cheetos, but the puffy kind.

59) Peanuts or sunflower seeds?

- Peanuts

60) Ever heard of "gorp"?

- Rings a bell...

61) Ever taken karate?

- Nope.

62) Ever kissed someone of the same sex? 

- Nope.

63) Can you curl your tongue?

- Yes.

64) Ever won a spelling bee?

- I flunked out in the third round on the word "mormon". 

65) Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

- Hairspray, opening night. Sitting next to Nick. Bawled my eyes out. Plus pretty much any show I see, ever. It gets embarassing. 

66) Own any record albums?

- I've had a few over the years.

67) Own a record player?

- I think it's broken. 

68) Regularly burn incense?

- Um, you smoke incense. Duh.

69) Ever been in love?

- Not yet. Still waiting...

70) Hot tea or cold tea?

- Iced coffee.

71) Tea or coffee?

- Iced coffee.

72) Favorite kind of cookie?

- Chocolate macadamia nut. 

73) Can you swim well?

- I like to think so.

74) Can you hold your breath without manually holding your nose?

- Wait, people can't hold their breath without holding their noses!?

75) Are you patient?

- Um...sometimes.

76) Ever won a contest?

- A few :) 

77) Ever had plastic surgery?

- Nope.

78) Which are better: black or green olives?

- Oh, definitely green. 

79) Can you knit or crochet?

- Both :) 

80) Wash room or bathroom?

- I prefer restroom. 

81) Do you want to get married?

- Absolutely.

82) ....again?

83) Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

- Yeah, my professors LOVE IT. 

84) Do you have kids?

- Six or seven.

85) Do you want kids?

- Three would be dandy :) Two boys and a girl. 

86) Do you miss anyone right now?

- Lots. 

87) Do you sleep with a fan on?

- I pretty much can't ever sleep without one.

88) Who are you voting for in this year's presidential election?

- That would be Barack Obama. 

89) What was your favorite toy growing up?

- I had a knock-off American Girl doll from Target named Hannah. I loved her. And apparently my favorite was a plastic baby bottle that when you flipped it over, the milk disappeared...

90) Do you feel your life as being a part of The Truman Show?

- EVERY DAMN DAY! IT'S SCARY!

91) A suit & tie or tuxedo?

- A sweater vest/cardigan combo.

92) Have you seen the new Indiana Jones yet?

- I haven't seen the *old* Indiana Jones yet.

93) Do you like talking with an accent?

- Strangely enough, yes.

94) What's the funniest rumor that's been spread about you?

- That I was trying to steal Kyle McCrumb from his girlfriend. 

95) What's your escape?

- Music.

96) If you had to choose your side of the bridal party in your wedding right now, who would they be?

- Uhhhhh...too many to count...right now, erm...Jessie, Sarah, Maggie, Kerry, Lia, Kyrsten...and that's just the girls. I am not opposed to "Bridesmen". 

97) Do you wish that we dressed like they did back in the 1800's?

- Sometimes I wish the guys did.

98) What was your last dream about?

- A horribly mundane conversation with my mother about a car model. 

99) Who's your favorite character on Friends?

- Chandler.

100) Did you have a good childhood? 

- It was bumpy at times, but it worked itself out in the end.

The rearview mirror only shows what's gone...

Song of the day: 'Come So Far (Got So Far to Go)' - Hairspray 

I had an epiphany the other day, dancing in the shower stall during a shower party, singing MMM Bop into my microphone loofa; we're old.

I distinctly remember being eight years old, running around the yard with my Playskool cassette player, singing MMM Bop to my heart's content. Four albums, three wives, and almost six children later, the Hanson brothers have grown up. And so have we. 

It feels like just yesterday I had fallen in love with the three brothers from Tulsa, and now here I am, about to complete my first year of college. It's unreal how fast the days fly by now. My mom always told me that the older you get, the faster time flies. If I'm only 19 and time is flying by this quickly, I can't imagine how quickly life will be rushing past in ten, twenty, thirty years. But I suppose what's most important is living in the present. So for now, that is what I shall attempt to do.

Hence where my Song of the Day comes into play. 

At this point in my life, I need to learn to slow down. Ironically, that was essentially the message in my previous post (almost, what, three months ago?) and yet I still haven't learned. Granted, I'm getting better, but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm relying on this summer to slow things down for me. 

It will be incredibly bizarre to leave for several months. Just as I'm starting to build stronger relationships with some of the best friends I've ever had, all of a sudden I have to leave. I don't know which will be weirder, leaving everyone here behind or having to readapt to life in Grand Rapids again. Of course it will be another great summer what with another year of Summer Stock, but I've changed so much in the past year away. It will be interesting to see if I remain the same person I am today, writing this, or whether I fall back into my old high school routine while around that crowd. Hopefully I'll maintain my dignity and have the strength to stay myself. 

It's all starting to sink in that I'm leaving soon...no more Kerry farts, 'putting it in the chair', funny accents, snippy comments, shower parties, dancing, boob grabs, ect. I keep thinking abotu what Sarah said a while ago - we're all college friends. 

"You know those people your parents always talk about? Their friends in college? That's us! I'll be telling my kids about you, my college friend." 

At this point, I couldn't ask for better college friends. Sure we have our ups and downs, but not a day goes by when I'm not laughing uncontrollably, sm better iling, and just feeling about myself. I adore these people, and I'm so glad that I finally found them, even if it happened to be somewhat late in the year. 

Besides, at this point, with the way that time is flying, I'll be moving back to MSU in the blink of an eye. I suppose that's a good thing. Because I'm not quite sure what I'll do without my girls (including Ian) for an entire three months. All I can hope is that no matter how quickly time moves, I'll always keep reminding myself that even though we've come so far, we've still got so far to go. 

Gone, Baby Gone

Song of the day: 'Because We Want To' - Billie Piper

Why am I always subconsciously looking into the future? I seldom take the time to appreciate the present moment. All too often, I find myself thinking about how I will decorate my dorm room for next year - something I don't have to even *begin* thinking about for another six months. I don't take the time to think through small, current assignments; instead, I'd much rather be thinking about what I'll do for my final exams. I guess it can't help having had England to look forward to for well over 150 days (believe me, I've been counting), but now that the countdown is finally at 28 and the days are flying by, my mind keeps jumping past what will surely be the most amazing vacation of my life and thinking about what's to come in April, May, July, September...

It's not fair.

Maybe trying to see life through the lens of a camera will finally slow me down a bit. The past few days alone have made a difference as I've wandered the halls with my camera in my hand, randomly photographing whatever intrigues me. I'm hoping it will all lead to helping me slow down and see the beauty in everything, and cause me to slow down and look twice. 

I have dinner with Richard Dreyfuss on Monday night. I hope it will be life-changing. I could use some more life-changing moments right now.