I'm changing enough for the both of us, Barack.

Song of the Day: "Walk of Life" - Billie Piper

I am a changed person. And LOVING it.

I wasn't really planning on writing a blog tonight, but I was meandering through my old posts and was particularly entertained by the survey I did a few months ago. The question that caught my eye was "Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?" To which, at that point, the answer was no. 

Now, however, I kiss a girl every night. And it's...normal. Sure, it's at rehearsal. Sure, it's for a show. But still. It's not just the kissing.

I guess it all hit me about a week ago at rehearsal when Rob said, "I see a bunch of twenty year old girls pretending to be comfortable with their bodies. I need to see twenty year old girls comfortable with their bodies." And so I set about doing just that. 

Now, I stand on the front of that stage, and I am a wholly different person. I can touch any part of my body I so choose and not feel at all inhibited. I can kiss other girls, have boys grab my boobs, have girls grab my boobs, be spanked, humped, thrust at, sweat on and moaned to, and it doesn't even phase me anymore. All of my insecurities are completely gone. And despite being an actress and always subconsciously being a character on a stage, in those moments, I am completely at ease. It is so refreshing to not have to worry about what parts of my body might embarrass me or look awkward. I hope that even after this show, I will always be able to apply that sense of comfort to my performances.

On a similar note, I went to a Pimps and Ho's party last night and had a marvelous time. I wore - *gasp* - leggings as pants, and a cheap pink corset with high heels and outrageous hair and makeup. Despite the moment of panic walking up the driveway to the party with a few other girls also whored up to the max and seeing a crowd of guys in jeans and t-shirts, the moment I saw all of those delightful theatre people, I felt completely at home. Granted, everyone was already pretty trashed, but I had no problem walking in confident and proud, despite my ridiculous, revealing outfit. 

I danced, I sang, I drank, I laughed, I kissed, I gossiped, I strutted, and I was utterly inspired by every moment. 

At the party, I had a drunken heart-to-heart with a theatre department "legend", and he really inspired me. He told me about what an honor it is to be in one of Rob's shows, because you will never learn more than when you work with him. Despite his passion, vision, and utter genius, Rob has given me a chance to dispel whatever stereotypical roles might come with a plus-size alto college theatre student. He has given me a chance to show him what I can do and what I can learn from him. Unfortunately, it made me realize that I'm not thoroughly satisfied with the performance I am giving Rob; a man who gave me such a brilliant opportunity deserves a brilliant performance. So it is now my goal to really step up to the  plate and prove to Rob that I deserve to be where I am within the department right now.

Because not only did Rob have faith enough in me to allow me into the BFA program with no experience, and not only did he cast me in a mainstage show, he provided me with a new, wonderful, supportive family, the courage to love myself and my body, and the faith I needed to keep going and really follow through with my dreams. 

And for that, I am forever grateful. 

Song of the Day: "Wilkommen" - Cabaret

Happiness is horribly underrated. 

Every day that passes further defines what it means for me to be happy. I am slowly beginning to realize that over the past few years, I have been content or even at times joyful, but happiness was never a steady state of mind. 

And yet here I am, four (five?) weeks into my second year of college, and I am enjoying almost every minute of my days. With astronomy labs and technical theatre aside, I enjoy my classes and not only look forward to attending them, but also to learning from them. Who knew after 8 years of theatre that you could actually *learn* how to act? The technique fascinates me, and I feel myself growing every day in both my acting and movement classes. 

And don't even get me started on rehearsals. Cabaret rehearsals are the best four hours of my day. I struggle to look forward to the weekends, because we don't rehearse on Saturdays. I have never had more faith in a show than this production. The amount of talent shared by this cast of eight people is more than the combined talent of the largest shows I have been in. Everything about is professional, and I while I dread the day that it ends, I cannot wait to share it with my friends and family. 

Speaking of family, I have a new one. My new theatre family is nothing short of amazing. I love them all, gay or straight, boy or girl. I have never been so quickly welcomed into a group of people, and I can't imagine what life would be like right now without them. I finally feel like I've found where I belong, and I can't wait to see where the future leads me. 

For now, I can only hope that things get even better from here. I love being happy all the time. I love life, classes, friends, rehearsals, and every opportunity that presents itself. So here's to the hope that happiness will prevail. I realize now just how blessed I am, and I don't know who to thank for it, but in the end, I am more thankful than I ever thought I could be. 

Thank you, whoever you are, wherever you are.